Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rhody Weekend

First off, wild weekend. After covering the National Prep Showcase in Smithfield, R.I. and then catching the Brown/Northwestern game, I decided I would venture out to the party scene. My buddy young vito and I hit up some Providence nightlife jumpoff and got bent like a ghetto basketball rim.

It was off the charts. Brown football celebrated their banner season (which culminated in a blowout of Columbia for the Ivy League title) in admirable fashion. They got twisted like Christian Slater. They weren't short on groupies either, as I saw a myriad of smokeshows.

I never knew Ivy Leaguers could party like this. They don't play around. The beautiful blonde-haired heiresses also opened many eyes. Even some smoking-hot chick on the lacrosse team didn't mind getting grinded on by an over-age, well-scruffed neanderthal like myself. It was tight.

A couple quick notes before I get to the feature piece.

-I am a terrible driver. I was driving towards Brown's campus after having just two brewloos (wasn't even slightly twisted) when I went the wrong way on a ONE WAY. Shit. I'm not even slightly exagerrating, I was headed directly towards a cop car.

It was kind of like that movie Outside Providence, when Dunphy is in the car with Drugs Delaney and Bunny Cody and he hits a parked cop car. Actually, it was nothing like that at all... except for the fact that my mind-boggling, dumbass antics took place in Providence. The Popos didn't stop me or anything, but when I jumped into reverse I almost backed into another car. I should just get a mountain bike.

-What do me, Barack Obama, and Adam Morrison all have in common? We all smoke cigarettes. I've never really been a big smoker, don't plan on being one, but every time I have a few drinks I just start fiending a cigarillo like it's fucking crack. Not good. I usually mooch them off people at bars. It happens every time I go out, like clockwork. I just get a few brews in me, start feeling nice, and invite my lungs for a torchure toke to enhance the buzz. I have to stop that shit.

-You can purchase a baby aligator in Rhode Island for $300. That's whats up. If I end up copping one, I'm going to keep it until it grows into its full body. The next time one of these big bronedogs engages in a face fight, stare-down competition at a bar or wherever, he'll meet my boy from 410.

-There's a "Granites Of America" located in Rhode Island. I remember studying Granite in 9th grade Earth Science class. That was the same year that the Knicks lost to the Raptors in the first round and Johnny Newman was the leading scorer on the Nets. A long time ago. Come to think about it, the only reason I passed that class and moved on was because I had one of those awesome, no time-limit privileges for the test. I usually used all the time in the world for those fucking tests. Everyone would be on their way home and I'd be on like question six, daydreaming about the stuff that well...Most 15-year-olds daydream about. It was dope. My buddy CB had it even better. He had like a couple days to take the test it seemed. He'd take breaks and eat parms and shit. Man, if they had those kind of special help (the kind Maurice Clarett had at OSU) circumstances in college my GPA would have been a lot higher than it was.

I should have failed the regents exam, but the teacher kept calling me back in the classroom (seconds after handing in the test) and telling me I haven't filled out certain questions and whatnot and I should fill an answer in on every question. Come to think about it, was he making sure I didn't fail the class, preventing me from having to take it again so wouldn't have to deal with me? Could have been. My relationship with him was like Jeff Spicoli and Mr. Hand. He was a cool guy though. I owe the dude my diploma. Though that thing is about as legit as the Detroit Lions.

-The whole city shuts down when Providence plays URI.

-Don't sleep on Xavier, PR Tip-Off champs. This is a sick early season upset. I always wanted to see the X-men re-register their presence on the national map after they got robbed in the Ohio State game (botched calls fellas) during the 2007 dance.

-Craig Moore, a guard on Northwestern, had the game of his life Saturday. The kid scorched the nets in the first half, HITTING EIGHT THREES and nearly outscoring Brown single-handedly. He finished with 33 points, 9 treys, on 9-for-13 shooting. Brown shot a SCINTILLATING 62 PERCENT and still ended up on the wrong side of the scoreboard, 73-64. That's unheard of. Both teams (well, the players that were of age) went out for drinks after the game. Friendly competition, good shit.