Sunday, September 28, 2008

Welcome To Blood Manor

It's a scary time of the year for all of us.

With the NBA pre-season approaching in a month, Sam Cassel's god-awful mug will re-surface somewhere. The chicklet teeth and Dracula-like head of Popeye Jones will fade into oblivion, thankfully.

Still, Michael Ruffin and Stan "Ron Jeremy" Van Gundy bring back memories as haunting as John Starks in Game 7 of the 1994 NBA Finals. Gotta love Starks though. That old, rags-to-riches, shit-to-sugar story definitely resonates in an incredible person with an incredible heart and an incredible penchant for getting after the NBA's elite (see Jordan, Michael or Miller, Reggie).

This cat was feast or famine, a very generously-listed 6-foot-5 off guard whose heart pumped lion's blood. From the hard-scrabble streets of Tulsa, Oklahoma (Starks said he was so poor growing up him and his brothers would take turns stealing bread at the local Safeway for dinner...This safeway was the same venue where Starks ended up working after he got kicked out of his first two colleges) Starks' hard-nosed, never-say-die brand of ball made him a New York legend.

Still, Halloween is on the horizon. The chicks are probably running for the hills now that Walter Hermann and Chauncey Billups' mugs are back in the atmosphere. Take it from a guy that's admittedly ugly-as-fuck. It's going to be a freight fest.

If you don't want to watch Team Titanic 3 (aka the New York Knicks) flounder under
D'antoni's offense-oriented system in pre-season action (as perhaps a harbinger of things to come), hit up Blood Manor. I went this past week...see below for the review...

New York City’s “Blood Manor” has been given the torch to carry for the bevy of Gotham ghost houses this October. A thorough thrill-ride, the Manor’s blood-splashed windows and well-equipped décor wow the living and lure in guests. Simply put, it’s off the fucking hook.

Littered with eye-popping costumes, deft demons and A-Class actors never shy of scaring the living shit of out you, the creepy, creaky confines of the ancient deathbed will certainly enhance the Halloween spirit this October.

It’s an unusual blend of horror, humor, and electrifying entertainment. The props, both prolific and diverse, sell the audience. Other facets of the house, well….you can analyze the spooky-as-shit real-estate at your own risk.

Owners and creators Jim Lorenzo, Mike Rodriguez and Jim Faro have established a haunted house that would extract shivers from even John Carpenter and Quentin Tarantino. It’s a new-world approach to horror houses, which have been sorely lacking in the tri-state region.

On the surface, however, the manor—which holds a storied tradition of heavily-haunted folklore—isn’t that scary.

Yeah, right.

And the U.S. economy is on the verge of a promising, prosperous era.

Hold onto your hats for this one, folks. It’s a bloodbath with a pulsating surprise jumping at you on every corner. It’s an accurate account of a house of the dead that provides a steady mix of October entertainment. Spearheaded by bloodhounds, sexy vampires and vile, venomous creatures of all shapes and sizes. They will show you scary.

The set-up is similar to that of a high-budget Hollywood movie. With the dearth of horror movies in this era, however, it’s not even worth drawing a comparison. Don’t funnel any more of your hard-earned dollars to the garbage pail. Movies like Freddy v.s. Jason, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and the highly-acclaimed Saw series are mind-numbing, draining, and strictly for nerdy teenagers. This Halloween, forget that Blockbuster exists.

If you want a real-live horror show, where everybody’s target and the visitor leading the pack is treated to the first freight, this is right location.

There’s also some scintillating live action, with Blood Manor showcasing their version of the “Titty Twister.” The set up is a creative duplication of the one in the 1995 horror show, From Dusk Till Dawn. The half-naked vampire girls aren’t Selma Hayek-hot, but they’ll get your attention. Sporting the vampire attire, they bring new meaning to the phrase, “put a paper bag over her head.”

Staring at these beauties is like a pleasure/pain hybrid. Michael Myers and an extreme, in-your-face Freddy Krueger replica (this blood merchant has the gloves, the six-inch razor sharp nails, everything) are both major presences in the house.

Watch out.

With their in-your-face antics, they might turn your under garments into Sprite stains.

A live performance and catchy theme song from Brooklyn-bred entertainer, “Special” adds some flair to the event.

The electrifying kid from Brook-nam has a unique blend of songs, with a hip-hop/rap/rock recipe. His album is slated to hit the stores following his trip to Japan, where he's anticipating a video shoot. A New York kid strapped with that New York savvy, special can ball. He's got a silky-smooth mid-range jumper and good life on his quick slashes to the cup. At just 5-foot-10, he's got more springs than Colorado. Don't sleep. His beats, coupled with an entourage of dancers, ranging from wiry to colossal, from midget-size to 6-foot-6 strongman status, are tough. Tough like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. Tough like Mickey Rourke's grimey character in that Tarantino/Rodrigeuz joint.

Get to Blood Manor and I'll see you in the afterlife.